So, I wake up New Year's morning, and cron lights off and tells me the time has arrived for annual system maintenance.

I go and get the cheat sheet. Okay, what do I do first? "Run `fsck'". Fine.

spam> fsck
/dev/raw/brain: last mounted on /

i=69 mode=670411 owner=root
unreferenced file -- reconnect? n
clear? y

superblock corrupt -- repair? y

65472 files, 33748898 blocks.

Gee. A missing file. In my BRAIN. Yuck. I wonder what it is...

/excretory/bladder:  file system is full

Shit. No. Piss. I gotta pee during system maintenance. Go to bathroom. Prepare everything.

spam> urinate -f -g -x
/dev/penis: no such file or directory

AAAAAAAAAAAUAGH! I think I just found my missing file...

spam> ls -l /dev/p*

crw-rw-rw-  1 root     121,   0 Sep 26  1962 /dev/pancreas
crw-rw-rw-  1 root      71,   0 Sep 26  1962 /dev/parathyroid
crw-r--r--  1 root      67,   0 Sep 26  1962 /dev/pineal
crw-r--r--  1 root      75,   0 Sep 26  1962 /dev/pituitary

spam> mknod /dev/penis c ...

Er, what's the major device number?

spam> grep -i penis /sys/spam/conf.c

#include "penis.h"
#if NPENIS > 0                          I certainly hope so!
extern int      penisprobe();           Sounds fun.
extern int      penisattach();          Detachable penis?
extern int      penisopen();            Ouch.
extern int      penisclose();           Messy without this one.
extern int      penisioctl();           Should be able to control these things.
extern int      penisintr();            This is important!
        penisopen,      penisclose,     nodev,          nodev,          /*69*/
        penisioctl,     penisintr,      nodev,          nodev,

Aha!

spam> mknod /dev/penis c 69 0
spam> chmod a+rwx /dev/penis
spam> urinate -f -g -x

Ahhhhhhhh......

Whew.

Okay, done with that. What's next?

"Get current patches and bug fixes"

spam> autopatch
br0:  connecting to spamsite.arcturus.exp
connected.

available:  flirt.o
details? y

Bugs fixed:

bug 4488229:
reported by chused@husc.harvard.edu
parser problem, responds incorrectly to replies like
"yes, but not ever".

bug 4488104:
reported by carole@intercon.com
protocol is not robust to glitches on communications link

bug 4388288:
reported by dreamy@fandom-house.org
clueserver is BROKEN!

install? y
flirt.o: 1/1/94 29837988 bytes.

available:  flame.o
details? y

Bugs fixed:

bug 40228478:
reported by feste@world.std.com
trace log is way too long

bug 39874511:
reported by jym@remarque.berkeley.edu
decision module is unstable -- flames on trivia, ignores bait

bug 37993040:
reported by raoul@athena.mit.edu
deconstruction module is too efficient -- overreduces arguments

install? y
flame.o: 1/1/94 92347892384729847 bytes.

available:  fuck.o
details? n

install? n

reason? I never get to use it anyway.

available:  hack.o
details? n

install? y
hack.o: 1/1/94 564 bytes.

available:  horsesense.o
details?  ^Y
session disconnect requested by user.

Screw this. I'll muddle through till next year. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

                                        -- Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
John Rehwinkel
spam@vitriol.com