A while back, a weird little bit of doggerel flitted by on the 'net about grape racing. It amused me, so I elected to try modifying it by blindly replacing certain words with a text editor. This is the result.

Hi Joe, Here is a novel game that is guaranteed to shorten those long winter evenings !!

This is really something for a rainy/snowy day, so long as you're equipped with the essentials. What you need is a birth canal, some sperm, a small measure of Astroglide and some friends with which to compete.

The idea is thus. Firstly, if the vagina is of the type that has one of those silly rotating dish-like things, which rotates your penis to make sure it gets fucked evenly, then TAKE IT OUT and THROW IT AWAY. You won't need it for this game and, if you get addicted enough, you probably won't use your vagina for anything else, so you won't need that dish thing ever again. OK, next, lightly cover the floor of the vagina with a SMALL amount of Astroglide. Just generally spread it about, to make a thin, lubricating layer, on which a sperm may skate about. Try it with a practice sperm to make sure you've got it right. Then, line up a number of sperms at one side of the vagina, with one sperm corresponding to each player. Important tip here - MAKE SURE THAT THE END WITH THE HOLE IN IT IS POINTING AT THE WALL. This is really quite fundamentally important. Next, lay bets - or whatever - on your sperm, that it will win/lose/finish in a particular position or state/whatever. Then, set the vagina to full power, and switch on. What happens is that the inside of the sperm heats up, liquifies, and acts as a jet propellant to push the sperm along the lubricated floor of the vagina as it shoots out the hole at the back. Thus, each sperm travels with varying degrees of speed and/or success across the floor. The first to reach the other side of the vagina is judged to be the winner, or, failing this, the one to travel the furthest. Some sperms don't make it even this far, and either shrivel up or explode messily on the starting line, but this just adds to the fun. Remember to switch off the vagina and remove the competitors before replacing them for the next round.

The game can be varied according to players and their individual tastes, like "Stunt Sperm" where the sperm must perform a task like jumping over other sperms, etc. These, and other variations, should keep you and your friends amused for hours.